


This isn't a Musical

by HelloMyNameIsSin, when_in_doubt_write_it_out



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Magic, Apparently Cipher is a Cooking God, Bill cant handle human functions, Bipper, Dipper hates it, F/F, Fusion, Human Bill Cipher, Itll be, M/M, Mable is a giant mother to those two, Possessive Bill Cipher, Resolved Sexual Tension, SO GAY, Sweaters of death, Tags to be added, The third season of "Am i gay for a demon", Unresolved Sexual Tension, eventually, like jfc, there will be
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-13 21:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloMyNameIsSin/pseuds/HelloMyNameIsSin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/when_in_doubt_write_it_out/pseuds/when_in_doubt_write_it_out
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The shack has been closed for years. The Pines have moved on. Except Dipper. He makes a deal that'll most likely be the death of him.<br/>Alternate Title: Dippers Pet Demon</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Im no good for you  
> this heart a'int built for two,  
> so run away run away"

His eyes flitted back and forth, from the book in his hands to the summoning circle beneath him. His twin and Grunkle Ford advised him not to, but who were they to tell him? Only two more symbols before he could summon **_HIM_ ** _._ The legendary Bill Cipher. He knew summoning the triangle was dangerous, but he no longer cared. He basically lived by himself, with the Mystery Shack being closed, Mabel at art school, and his Grunkles doing who knows what. Once the symbols were correctly drawn and in the right location, he began the incantation.

“ ** _Triangulum Entangulum. Metaforis Dominus Ventium, Veneforis Venetisaruim_**!”

The circle beneath him began glowing blue. He continued chanting, the room turning cold and wind beginning to blow. Eventually he had to nearly scream to finish the incantation. Once the area around Dipper calmed, the world around him dulled. His bedsheets turned an alarming shade of black, the normally brown walls of his room turned grey, even his socks seemed to dull. A familiar triangle made his appearance in a flash of white and gold. Dipper swallowed hard and shouted.

“Bill Cipher! I wish to make a deal!” He immediately regretted his decision as the golden polygon looked down on him, focusing with his eye.

“Well look who’s forging DEALS now. And what might that be, Pine Tree?”

‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ Dipper summoned him for the same reason his Grunkle Ford did.

“In return for infinite knowledge of the Multiverse, I’ll give you anything you desire, excluding my mind and soul.”

“While that sounds absolutely ** _DELIGHTFUL_** , I don’t think you want to know about the 4th Earth.” Bill floats closer to the man.

“I’m not here to play games, Bill. Its deal or no deal.”

Bill extends his hand. “Then we have a _DEAL_ ~”

Dipper grabs the small appendage and shakes. Once he does, the familiar blue flames engulf his slight frame. At the sight, Bill laughs maniacally.

“Bill? Whats going on?!” Dipper let go of the hand in terror.

“I’m just using your body as a template.”

“Why Mine?” The flames licked at his clothes, threatening to burn them to ashes, but stopping just short of singeing loose strings.

“Just to know where, and what size, your human organs are.” His laughter rang through the room.

After what seemed like forever, the flames dissipated with a flash, knocking Dipper and the second body to the ground. Bill sat up with a rather loud groan.

“My everything hurts. Why? What is this?” Dipper sits up  as well and looks at the demon next to him with wide eyes. What was once just angles and lines was now a tall, pale man. Curly golden hair crowned his face, which managed to look angular yet soft at the same time. One eye was an impossible shade of blue, shining almost like a sapphire. The other eye was a dark grey with a semi-dilated yellow pupil.

“You don’t know what a headache is!? I thought you knew **EVERYTHING**!”

“Shut up, Kid. I don’t know much about humans.” That caused the boy to laugh. The proclaimed master of the mind barely knew about headaches or humans in general. That triumphant laughter stopped as soon as he noticed that the grey eye was focused on him, the pupil glowing red.

“ _ **D O N T**_. Now, what am i supposed to wear? I know it’s morally unacceptable to walk around naked, even though it’s fun as shit.” Somehow, the demons anger subsided as quickly as it appeared. Dipper scratched his head, tousling the already messy curls.

“Uhh… I don’t think I have any clothes that would fit you, considering you’re a foot and a half taller than me. For now, just put this on.” Dipper stood up and walked to his dresser. Sighing, he rummaged through the clothes and pulled out a large black shirt and a pair of boxers.

“I think that’s all I have that’ll fit you. We’ll go shopping tomorrow. Don't try to murder anyone please? That would be a huge inconvenience.”

“You got it, Pine Tree! Now… where’s Shooting Star? I wanna say Hi!”

“Somewhere in L.A. In art school for Fashion.”

Bill smiled, and Dipper took note of the sharp canines. “Then What am i supposed to do in the meantime?”

Dipper flopped facedown on his bed. “Dear God this is gonna be a long day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter: Killer by The Ready Set- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU2dP7GCR44


	2. Brave as a Noun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodily needs are a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And its sad to know  
> that we are not alone  
> and its sad to know  
> there's no honest way out"

If  Dipper knew what he was in for, he would’ve had Ford teach him. Somehow, in the span of twenty minutes, Bill had almost burned the Shack, ripped his favorite sweater, his going-away gift from Mabel, and almost break the bed by jumping on it.

“Piiiine Treeee. My stomach sounds like a dying bear. As entertaining as that is, i don’t know what to do about it.” Bill whined, and much to his own dismay, Dippers stomach mimicked it.

“It’s cause you’re hungry. You’ve gotta eat to survive. I thought you’d know that." Dipper looked down at the man on his bed.

“Pizza or burgers.” DIpper pulled out his phone, preparing to call Greasy’s to make an order.

“Pizza. I’ve always wondered what it’d actually taste like. Being just a bread disc with eviscerated tomatoes and cheese.” How he managed to make a pizza sound gross was beyond Dipper’s knowledge.

“Fine. I’ll order. Go sit in the living room. On the floor. I don’t need you breaking anything else.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Dipper, I feel like I’m gonna explode into a huge ball of water and organs.” Dipper glances down and sees Bill with his legs crossed.

“Bill, if you don’t know basic bodily functions, then you aren’t really an all seeing,all knowing Dorito you think you are. It’s the need to use the bathroom. Go upstairs. Its right across from my room.” By the time he finished his sentence, Bill had already made his way upstairs.

 

About five minutes passed before Bill returned, almost falling down when he reached the ground level. A sizable flow of water followed him.

“So… I may, or may not’ve, flooded your toilet. No big deal, right?” Bill scratched the back of his neck. Dipper jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

“BILL WHAT THE FUCK!!!”

Several hours, and two phone calls later, DIpper comes back downstairs to see a pile of scrolls and books on the floor.

“How did you get the whole roll of toilet paper- What is this?”

Bill shrugs and summons another book, the cover reading “Niger Magia et dæmoniorum”.

“Don’t underestimate me. Now that _that_ ordeal is over, let’s start  with some magic and demonology. Go grab a notebook, Dipper. You’re gonna need it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short. Like Really short.  
> Anyway, comments/kudos appreciated. All that jazz. 
> 
> Song of the Chapter: Brave as a Noun- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9vzxzjsv6g


	3. Find my way

“Try again, Pine Tree. Its ‘ _Et alligabis haec verba in these item, reducuntur tamen in eis usequequvo non vis_ ’” Bill sat back along with a pile of discarded food items. Currently, Dipper had an apple and a lemon in his hands, repeating the incantation. The brunette’s hands glowed in yellow fire, and the fruits levitated out of his hands.  
“- _usequevuno non vis_!” The fruit fused into one large red lemon. Bill hummed in approval.  
“Let’s check the inside.” Dipper nods.  
“ _Incinsura_ ” The inside was a perfect blend of the apple and lemon.  
“Perfect! Now, let’s try me and the stag that’s in your backyard!” Bill stood up and walked into the clearing behind the ex-tourist trap. A stag was grazing on the yellowed grass that still grew in patches. He looked to be strong, with sleek dark brown fur, perfect 12 point antlers, and a fluffy tail. The golden demon tackled the stag, and Dipper placed his hands on the figures.  
“ _Et alligabis haec verba in these item, reducuntur tamen in eis usequevo non vis_!” Much to his surprise, blue flames joined his yellow, dancing around to make a forest green flame that consumed all three bodies on the ground. Once the flames dissipated, the deer got up and ran ran back into the woods. But something was amiss… There was only one body on the ground. It had dark brown roots, fading into goldenrod ends. One eye was blacked out, with a bright blue tree-shaped pupil.  
“Why does my body not look like a deer? Why can’t I… OH MY GOD WE FUSED.” (Bill? Dipper? Bipper? Bipper) Bipper sat up and looked at his hands. “Good job, Dipper. You successfully fused two breathing meat sacks into one.” Bipper got up and walked back into the Shack. “Well. let’s see what we look like.” They go into the bathroom and turn on the light.  
“Not bad. We should cut our hair, these curls are crazy. And this shirt is ugly. We need to upgrade your wardrobe.” God the Dipper in him wanted to punch the Bill in him.  
Dipper willed them unfused  
“God that was awful… wait… what if we fused while I-” ”GROSS! NO!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: long time coming. LMAO im a procrastinator
> 
> Song of the chapter: Find my Way by 99 Lives- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl0-ngqGSRs


	4. AUTHORS NOTE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hate doing this to people.

~~I absolutely despise this but im going to have to put this story on hold. It hasn't updated in months and im having a hard time getting back into the swing. I PROMISE to update it by the beginning of September.~~   
~~I was going through some things and i couldnt focus on the story.~~   
~~Rambly.~~

~~Anyway feel free to comment your concerns, or what youd like to see happen in future chapters. My original plot is being tossed to the side now....~~

 

 

THIS STORY WILL BE UPDATED SOON PLEASE GIVE ME  A COUPLE HOURS

Im also trying to work on a schedule and the new chapter at the same time

 


	5. Devils Sap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhh Dipper cries

“Why not? It seemed like a great idea! Imagine all the research you could've done?” Bill said, as he floated around Dipper's head angrily. 

“Bill. I… _We_ aren't gonna do that for your sick idea. I don't wanna see you like that.” The brunette’s face flushed at the thought of being half-naked in front of the demon that “ruined” his Grunkle’s life.

“Well, I mean… we don't have to do that _per se_. It would be beneficial to see if we could fuse without using the spell.” Bill landed behind the brunette before skirting around him and walking towards the couch. Dipper walked to the nearby table, pacing there. 

“Before any of that, we need to do more studying. As in you need to start learning how to function properly…” Dipper started mumbling to himself. “Maybe some of my human skills could transfer to you via fusion. Maybe… that could work… no, thats ridiculous.” 

Bill walked over to Dipper and tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped and faced Bill, a seemingly maniacal grin splitting across his face. “ _ I'M GONNA TEACH YOU COOKING!! _ ” 

Bill looked at the shorter man with a neutral glare. “You're gonna let me potentially burn down the Shack by letting me near the stove…?” the blond’s eyes sparkled and he smiled, “LET'S DO IT!”

He nearly dragged Dipper into the kitchen before stopping and bouncing in front of the stove. Dipper exhaled to calm himself down and proceeded to grab ingredients for spaghetti. 

“We'll make something semi-easy. Now for the fusi-” Dipper was cut off by the taller man pulling him up to smash their lips together. To the brunettes dismay- he dare NOT say pleasure- the kiss worked, and they were fused with a flash of green fire. Needless to say, Bippers face was beet red. 

“We are not doing that again... Anyway, we're gonna make two small servings of spaghetti, and taste them all afterwards,” Bipper said, washing their hands. With that, they began. Before long, there was one piping hot bowl of spaghetti on the counter. They unfused, each working out the cricks in their bodies. Dipper walked to the kitchen door before giving Bill his instructions.

“Okay, I'm not going to supervise you. I'm going to go take more notes. Call me when you're done, scream if you need help. Fire extinguisher is under the counter.” With that, both boys went about their jobs, Dipper picking up the thickest volume of Magia et Dæmoniorum and taking notes on all the types of dark magic that each type of Demon used. Maybe 20 minutes later, Bill came into the living room, shirt covered in sauce. 

“Finished. Who knew humans had so many ways to make the blandest things taste good,” Bill said, wiping his hands off on his already ruined shirt. Both boys walked into the kitchen and grabbed a fork. They first ate what was in the bowl they both made. Not too bland and not too overpowering. Then, they ate Bill's bowl.

“Oh sweet gods Bill what did you do?” Dipper cried. It was better than his own spaghetti. Bill wiped his own eyes clear of tears. 

“I-I have n-no idea. I did what you  _ -we-  _ did!!’

“ ‘What we did’ my ass. This is phenomenal.” Dipper sniffled. “We aren't doing that again either.”

Dippers phone began to ring upstairs, the upbeat tune to a BABBA song he still loved signaling that Mabel was calling him. He ran upstairs, past the still wet bathroom, to answer the phone. “Hey Mabes. Whats up?” 

His twin practically screamed into the phone with her response, which shocked and terrified Dipper:

“I’M COMING TO VISIT!!!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snails House: Hot Milk  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8nGig78lNs&t=144s


End file.
